Attachment
As parents, we do not actually need a manual or set of rules explaining how to bring up children if we can connect to them with loving kindness and compassion. It is more about who we choose to be for them. If we have awareness of this, the need for external advice will be significantly less. “A conscious attachment is probably the most important knowledge a parent could possess.” (Hold On to Your Kids). Attachment also awakens an adult’s innate instinct to give care and be a parent. Studies show a child’s best protection and chances of being resilient come from a strong attachment to an adult. As Dr Julius Segal says: “Nothing will work in the absence of an indestructible link of caring between parent and child.”
Mindfulness
For a strong conscious attachment to our children, as in all relationships, we should first pay attention to ourselves: who we are and how we became who we are. This includes our patterns, conditioning, thoughts, and emotions. It is important to consider what our relationship with our parents was like and how much we are aware of the effect of our childhood on our development. If we do not have an awareness of this, we may be limited in our parenting. We may be reactive, passing on a legacy of pain to our own children if we had negative experiences in our childhoods. By making sense of the past, we can free ourselves from insecure attachment and the possibility of a cross-generational legacy of pain. If we do this, it is possible to create nurturing and loving relationship models, which our children will pass on to their own and future generations.
Connection
For healthy attachment we should be mindful of our connection. Even in the times you feel you need to teach or direct a behavior, the focus should be on connection, before direction. In any situation we should establish emotional closeness. Each moment of crisis, even if this is over a simple request to help with a household task, can be an opportunity for connection. If our children are not listening to us or following our directions naturally, we should note a loss of connection and first focus on re-establishing this. This is crucial, as the specific behavior can be dealt with in due course.
Even in extreme situations we, as parents, should maintain our dignity, be in touch with our emotions and not succumb to feelings of victimization. If we become lost in our emotions, we cannot maintain our role as an adult. It is better to stop, take a break and look after us if we feel overwhelmed. Next, we should make certain that we soothe the child, emphasizing that her feelings are ok and our relationship is not in danger, regardless of what has happened. More important than what we say, is how we say it. Therefore, our tone should be warm, friendly, and non-judgmental.
The issue is, to practice loving kindness to ourselves, our children, and all beings. We have learnt to be hard on ourselves from our parents and our education systems. Once in our childhood we were told we couldn’t draw well, with the result that we never draw again. We have a need for love, connection, and support from one another. Parenting gives us the chance to give and receive this. It is not about getting our children to draw a perfect picture, or for us to be perfect parents, but to encourage healthy emotional development with small acts of great love.
Even when we say no to children’s behavior, we always want to say yes to their emotions, and to the way they experience things
No-Drama Discipline
Dependence to Independence
Our children need to be attached to us emotionally until they are able to think for themselves and determine their own direction. We should therefore respect the timing of our children’s development from dependency to independence, mindfully acknowledging each stage on this path. It is easy to become confused about a child’s fluctuating needs for dependence and independence. Sometimes we can rush this process, especially when we prioritise external standards over inner experience. Examples of this can be when we insist a child eats at a certain time, rather than ensuring we provide healthy options on a regular basis, or carrying out toilet training early instead of trusting the child’s own natural timing.
It is natural for a child to be dependent, and dependency is a state that is naturally grown out of. Dependency, insecurity and weakness are all natural states for all individuals at various times. As humans, we move from weakness to strength and from uncertainty to mastery. When we refuse to acknowledge the stages prior to mastery, we teach our children to hate and distrust their weaknesses, setting them on a path of lifetime conflict. This can result in a sense of inner duality that stems from the emphasis placed on external norms over individual personal development.
Dependency blossoms into independence in its own sweet time.
Bringing Home the Dharma
Parenting as Mindfulness Practice
Mindfulness while parenting will support our connection with our children. We can practice this by being mindful of our children’s bodies as if they were our own – to have awareness as they walk, eat and go to the bathroom. When they are sick, we can be with them throughout the night, taking care of them. We can be mindful of the times they are afraid, and when to hold and treat them with loving kindness and compassion. When they are reactive, we can practice patience. Whilst doing so, we can become aware of our own reactions and unhealthy grasp for ideas or notions. We learn to let go time and again as our children grow, noting how we are holding onto our idea of the “eternal child”.
Listening to our Children as Mindfulness Practice
We can bring attention to our parental intuition and instincts when listening to our children.
Are we really listening to what they are trying to tell us? At the same time we can pay attention to our breathing and maintain an awareness of our own bodies. We can focus our attention not only on words, but also on emotions, thoughts, and the intentions behind them. We can place awareness on the spaces between words and what is not verbalized.
By listening to them from our hearts and reflecting back what we have heard with a positive reinforcement of their intentions, values and attitudes, we place trust in our children so that they develop a sense of trust in themselves. Trust will also grow in our relationship and strengthen our connection.
We should be mindful not to talk too much when children are reactive. It is better to use non-verbal communication in order not to further unbalance them. We can demonstrate empathy and compassion with warm facial expressions (smiling or nodding), stroking their hands or arms, holding their faces in our hands, or hugging them.
Reflecting the Positive Intentions of our Children
Positive intentions are a valuable resource in a child’s development. They are seeds for the values they will develop later. Positive intentions may not result in direct action immediately, but they are a step in the right direction and a good starting point. Therefore, we should be mindful of our children’s intentions and acknowledge them, especially those that are positive, whenever possible. We should not identify our children by their failures, negative behaviors, or impulses. We should support and encourage them.
Reflecting intentions is a powerful tool in achieving this. Children should feel as though they are in control when setting positive intentions. This can be achieved with our help, for example by using questions for guidance, giving options, or setting the scene beforehand.
An illustration of this could be when leaving the house, you need your child to put on her shoes. Instead of directing her, “Put on your shoes, please,” you can tell her: “We are leaving the house now. Do you want to try putting your shoes on yourself again?” Here we set the scene and reflect the child’s positive intention to comply with the need to leave the house, by giving an option and asking an encouraging question.
Being Mindful about the Child’s World
We should be mindful about the circumstances and situations that surround a child. Sometimes a specific behavior is a result of a very real situation the child is experiencing. For example, a child refusing to sleep alone in her bedroom might be trying to overcome her fear of separation from her parents, as well as of the darkness. If we pay attention and are open enough to understand what the child is going through, our approach can be different. Creating structure in a child’s environment with routines and rituals is an effective way to make a child feel more secure in her world.
Respect
Respect means setting boundaries and limits that are manageable for our children. As parents we can set limits in a respectful way with a compassionate, “no” and give explanations as to why something is not possible. If we did not receive such respect in our own childhoods, it may be difficult for us to do this. Children, however, are aware of how we treat them, how we treat ourselves, our bodies and how we respect our own feelings. Therefore, we owe it to them to try and rise to the challenge.
Integrity
Children learn by the example of who we are and how we live. Are we at ease, or suffering? Are we impatient, or are we forgiving? They watch us, and we communicate with them in everything we do. The poem by Dorothy Law Nolte highlights this:
Children Learn What They Live
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.
If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.
Supporting Mindfulness in our Childrens’ Lives
Children have neither a past nor a future. Thus, they enjoy the present, which seldom happens to us.
Jean de la Bruyere
Children are experts at living in the present, however they slowly lose the talent as they grow up. They can certainly rediscover it in their adult lives, but as parents, we have the opportunity to support them in preserving this natural skill. It is easier and more efficient to help them practice mindfulness now. We can’t know what our children will need many years from now. Life is changing rapidly. Developing attention, the ability to listen, to cultivate a healthy relationship with emotions, thoughts and the external world, coping with stress and building inner resources for resilience will be of increasing significance in the future.
Developing attention is not only a cognitive process, but also requires awareness of the body and heart. What is more important than teaching our children to be in the moment, to acknowledge their own emotions and thoughts and to be kind to themselves and others? As children have these resources naturally, practicing mindfulness does not need to be an additional source of stress.
Practical Tips & Tools
Stop
When you have certain impulses and automatic reactions, try to stop, and observe yourself. What are you thinking and feeling? What are the sensations in your body? What has caused this? Allow yourself to see this, and then make a conscious choice on your response.
Let Go
Let go of the idea of the ideal parent or child. Let go of the desire for things to be different from what they are. Do not fight with yourself. Allow yourself to be tired, sad, disappointed, or angry. Give yourself time to rest and take a break when you need to.
Acceptance
Accept whatever there is, not only when a child is behaving in accordance with your expectations, but also when situations are difficult, painful, or different from what you expected.
The difficulty will remain with or without our acceptance. Denial will not allow space for change to occur. There are issues in our lives also present in our children’s, which may not ever change, or may take years to do so. We can support our children by setting an example to them, not to pit themselves against circumstances that won’t change. This ability is the key to adaptation: “Life lessons are much less a result of correct thinking than of adaptation.” (Hold on to your Kids).
Presence
Be there with your child without judgement as much as possible. The more you are present, the more you can connect. You do not need to have any particular agenda, just to be present with your whole self, both in happy and unhappy moments, on special, as well as on ordinary days. Build fun into your time together, so your children feel joy and contentment in their lives as part of a family.
Awareness of Breathing
Teach your children to pay attention to their breathing, observe it and feeling the movement of it. Teach them to use breathing in difficult moments, such as when they feel physical pain, or to cope with stress or sadness. Teach them how to use their own breathing for support. They will become skillful at this quickly and will be able to use it for the rest of their lives.
Awareness of the Body
We can teach children to listen to their bodies from an early age. This can range from times when they need to go to the toilet, when they notice thirst, hunger, or a feeling of fullness after eating. It is important for them to perceive these signals themselves. We can support this with questions and by respecting what they observe. For example, if they no longer feel hungry, we should not insist that they eat more. For them to trust these signals, we should also trust them. By taking small steps, they will become in touch with their bodies. They will be able to feel their experiences; not only think about them. It will also guide them in setting their own bodily limits.
Inner Weather
Our moods, thoughts, emotions and impulses change constantly, and from moment to moment. The coming and going of these mental processes is influenced in much the same way as weather conditions are. We can, therefore, talk about inner weather with our children. It is healthy to check in on this and also see its impermanence. The weather is not always sunny and there can be joy even in the most difficult weather conditions.
Difficult Feelings
Awareness of feeling tone (an awareness of what you are feeling as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral) and, in particular, the ability to regulate painful emotions is a powerful skill to acquire. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says: “Emotions last for 90 seconds. After that, we are simply re-stimulating our internal circuitry.” We can teach our children to watch the changing nature of their emotions, thereby getting them to realize that these difficult feelings do not define them. It is not, “I am sad,” but rather: “I have a sad feeling”.
In moments of crisis, it is especially crucial that we accept our children’s emotions and reflect on them. We cannot change feelings; we can change behaviors. Changing behaviors begins with the acceptance of feelings.
When behavior is driven by emotion, we cannot focus on changing it. Remember: “There is order in the universe, just not the kind of order we would like to see.” (Hold on to your Kids) Your child’s brain is only doing its job in moving the child to act according to the emotions that have been activated within her. As parents, our job is to help bring the conflicting feelings and thoughts within the child out. No emotion is ‘wrong’, and its arrival is not within our control. Only after accepting and understanding the emotions, it is possible to address the behavior.
When encountering your children’s emotions, be aware of your own impulses. These are associated with shame, guilt and anger and are innately part of us as human beings. The natural answer is, therefore, not a denial of these impulses, but an awareness and regulation of them before acting.
Thoughts as Sixth Sense
When we wish for things to be different than they are, we begin to have thoughts. Thoughts occur extremely quickly and often conflict with each other. In early Buddhism, thoughts were defined as a sixth sense. They are like sound to our ears. It is impossible to stop them. We can, however, watch and understand them, see their conflicting nature, and choose whether to believe in them. Mark Twain said, “Some of the worst things in my life never even happened,” which illustrates how, in a negative mood, thoughts can be very destructive. We can support our children to see their thoughts and let go of them instead of identifying with them.
Forgiveness
There will be times when we do not function at our best, as parents. At times, we will be tired, reactive, or unkind. We will make mistakes, but we should be able to forgive ourselves and ask for forgiveness. It is good to remind ourselves that our intentions were good. What is most important is to be aware of our own negative behavior, repairing the breach in the relationship with our child as soon as possible. This will be the outcome of asking for, and offering ourselves, forgiveness. By doing so, we provide a model for our children to do the same as they grow up. Their relationships will be much more meaningful throughout their lives if they learn to do this.
References
Bringing Home the Dharma, Jack Kornfield
Hold on to Your Kids, Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
No Drama Discipline, Daniel J.Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Sitting Still Like a Frog, Eline Snel
